I began writing my journey of faith earlier this year with my friend Retroactive Girl. We are doing this to give to our children when they are older. If you missed the first two entries you can find them here (How my relationship with God began) and here (How I experienced God in my childhood).
Below is the continuation of those first two entries….
My highschool years were also filled with Christian influences – church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Visitation on Tuesday nights, which often included (I’ve never met you before, but…) “if you died today, would you go to heaven” style evangelism. Saturday night was youth group – including fun activities such as Big Ball, Scavenger Hunts, and Mud Relays. The rest of the week was spent at Christian school.
Some of my favorite Christian school memories were afterschool practices and road trips with our underdog team, the “Lady Eagles.” I enjoyed the friends more than the game. Our basketball coaches Wayne and his wife Melanie (who I also knew well through church) worked hard with our inexperienced team of 10 for two years. We had a lot of fun together. And at the end of that second year, our little team made it all the way to the state championship game where we lost by only a few points in double overtime!
Christianity surrounded me, and I fit into this world very comfortably. I remember a growing interest in God’s Word during these years, taking notes in church, and trying to read the Bible each day. I wanted very much to do things that would make God happy with me.
I had an influential youth pastor, Pastor Jerry and his wife Colette who I loved (still do). They were great role models and took a strong interest in my life. My parents had an open door policy at our home, and Jerry and Colette as well as other friends were in our home often, especially for my Mom’s homemade pizza after church on Sunday nights. I was going into ninth grade when Jerry and Colette moved away to a different church.
As for guys during highschool… I went to banquets and occasionally even went out on real dates. But for whatever reason, no one really stole my heart during these years. Maybe it was because I had been in school with the same selection of boys since K5? Something a little brother and sister-ish happened to us from spending all that time together.
I took a strong stand with my friends against things I had learned were “worldly” – like flipped up collars and Christian contemporary music. I really felt like that was what God would have wanted me to do.
My first job was working at McDonalds when I was 14. I worked a 4 hour shift manning the French fries over 4 vats of hot oil. It’s the first time I remember hearing people swear in real life. I was shocked and felt very different and even a little afraid. That night I got an offer to babysit my friend Beth’s 3 kids, and somehow managed to convince my Dad that I should quit McD’s. Beth and her husband Carl were youth leaders at our church. We all loved them so this was a great gig!
For the most part, these years deepened my foundation and my knowledge of Scripture. Yet it wasn’t all positive. My friends Carl and Beth separated during this time, and walking that road with Beth is how God led me into the field of counseling. I won’t go into detail here, but several other leaders I respected self-destructed during this time. Some even did/ are doing prison time.
As I entered college at Bob Jones University, I had serious questions about Christianity. My thoughts reeled for the first time with questions about how I could know that the Bible was true and whether or not Jesus was really God. How could I know? It was overwhelming to me at such a pivotal time in life. If it weren’t true, what would I do with my life? This is really all I had ever known. The questions churned in me, but I was afraid to ask other people. The one professor I had asked didn’t have answers to erase my questions, and what if others didn’t either? All that my questions would do, I reasoned, would sentence other believers to a similar journey of doubt.
Around that time I began reading some of Josh McDowell’s books. Here I began to find answers which satisfied both my intellect and my soul. Around this same time, I had a friend named Kelli who was in my prayer group in the dorm. As we took turns praying through our list of requests, I remember Kelli talking to God as if the two of them were simply having a conversation. She would end with, “I love you, Lord.” I don’t remember ever asking Kelli specifically about her love for God, but that simple, heartfelt phrase resonated with me deeply and began a growing hunger in me to know more of God than I had yet experienced.
Whether real or imagined, I felt most people considered me to be a spiritual leader. It wasn’t a perception I had set off to attain, but I took it seriously (even if I had actually only given it to myself) and tried my best to live up to it. I didn’t want to let anyone down. But when I decided to move 17 hours from home and family to begin graduate school at Baptist Bible College in Pennsylvania, I had no reputation to uphold. I met my friend Christie during that time. I knew her a little, but probably not well enough to walk up to her, like I did, and ask her point blank if she would teach me how to know and relate to God the way I’d seen her do. Even from a distance, I could tell that Christie loved God as my friend Kelli had. Here in this new place, I felt like I could allow myself to be spiritually weak, and ask for help.
Christie and I became friends and even roommates later on, and I learned a great deal about loving God from our conversations and from watching her “do life.” Our friendship deepened and still continues. But our friendship wasn’t easy in the beginning. We made each other a little crazy at times. We were both immature in our relationship skills, made many mistakes, and learned a great deal through our failures during these years. Our husbands will forever be grateful that we worked out a lot of that messiness on each other, and not on them.
My years at BBC were probably the most influential to date in my walk with Christ. During these years I learned a great deal about expressing my love for God. At the old house a couple of friends and I were renting, I was able to climb out of my bedroom window and on to the roof. That was one my favorite spots to be with God. I loved lying out there, looking up at the stars and talking out loud to Him. It was far enough away from everyone that I’d even sing to Him sometimes – always with headphones and loud music so I wouldn’t have to hear myself very much!
There was also a beautiful Lake nearby in PA that I would escape to fairly often with my Bible and journal. These times were about me and Him. It wasn’t about asking Him for things or fulfilling a responsibility. This was a turning point in my relationship with Him when I was more focused on just being with Him, asking Him questions, and listening for Him to teach me.
I think those of us who grow up with Jesus, mature in our relationship with Him just as we do with others. As we understand more about ourselves and relationships in general, we can move from an “I like you, do you like me?” relationship with God to a deepened intimacy which weathers our disappointments, failures, and every other change we experience in life. I said my first big “yes” to Jesus when I was 6, but He still calls me to obey. As He does, I continue to learn how to follow.
